What used to be

This blog used to be about my weight issues, my horrid habit of binge eating, and my health concerns because of those things.

This blog used to be written by a stay at home mother of two, living in suburban Maryland with her family. She still lived close to most of her family and had the most amazing friends. She went to a great church, her kids went to great schools and everything seemed perfect.

All of that is what used to be.

This is now what is...

My weight and eating habits are still an everyday struggle for me, so don't expect to not have to read about the times that I lose it and consume all my emotions with 7 candy bars from the Dollar Store (and the horrible guilt that comes with it). I'll probably still post about the anxiety I face every time I have to go the endocrinologist for a regular appointment. And I'm 100% sure I will post about my insecurity about how I look.

I'm newly unemployed mother of two kids that are in elementary school all day. I'm living in Florida with my family, but far away from everything familiar to me. No family members close by, no friends to go hang out with. I have found a great church, and a great school for my children, but right now life seems far from perfect.

This blog will be about my everyday highs and everyday lows and those spaces in between. How I process my new life and make peace with what used to be vs. what is.

It’s okay to vote for yourself

I learned this lesson is the the 8^th grade when I lost the election to captain the cheer-leading squad by 1 vote, my vote. Up until that point in my life I had never voted for myself, thinking that it was the most selfish and conceded of all acts. After that election common sense and logic kicked in and I never made that mistake again.

I am now over 20 years past that experience and still finding that I need to work on that lesson. I rarely put myself first; it’s always my daughter, husband, family, work or something.  I enjoy these things very much in my life and I love to excel at them and make them all happy, but I often forget that a little selfishness is okay along the way.

I think it was a good upbringing and solid morals taught by my parents that led me to not vote for myself early on, thinking of others first and not wanting to be selfish. Now it is life that has taught me to not take myself for granted and that every vote counts, including my own.

Enough

This week while on vacation I finally stepped on a scale. My scale at home has been broken for at least 6 months and I knew I was gaining weight so I didn't rush to fix it! I was disgusted to find out that I am back where I was a year ago, very discouraging. I've lost and gained back 35 pounds in 12 months.
We've been trying to get pregnant for the last year and with each unsuccessful month I seemed to find more and more comfort in my old habits and food. Stuffing my sorrows away. I just got back from vacation where I told myself - ENOUGH! I am journaling again starting today and am taking a few months off from family planning to take care of me!

GLEEK!

Not afraid to admit it, I am a total Glee fan or Gleek as we are called! I love musicals, tv and silly teenage drama so I think this show is amazing!
The one thing that I don't like is that everyone inside the Glee club has to be dating someone else inside the Glee club! Why is it, and it seems almost every prime time TV sitcom does this...any time you have a group of characters they all end up dating each other?
One of the newest romances in the series is Puck, the bad boy jock, and Lauren, the obese female wrestler. I find this relationship totally unrealistic and unnecessary to the plot. I am all for the introduction of Lauren as a strong and confident fat girl trying to make a place for herself in high school. But the fat girl usually doesn't have a jock chasing after her. I think that Lauren's character is pretty accurate with the tough girl exterior (it is a coping and self defense mechanism that us fat girls develop) and I'd like to see her character stick around. But this crazy Puck romance is just that CRAZY! I'm not saying that it can't happen, but it had just been my experience that the fat girls don't rule the school, they don't date the jocks and the generally and not all that popular.
I'd like to see more fat girls make it in show business, but I'm not sure that is gonna happen any time soon. As of now Ashley Fink (the actress who plays Lauren) is not even listed in the cast credits on the FOX Glee website.

Dreamin'

I took a little break from blogging but last night's dream was the perfect catalyst to get me back here.
I had a dream that a total hottie, god-like man, the type of man that makes all the women's heads turn and everyone wants to be with, was in love with me. It was me, but I was about 20 pounds lighter and not married with a 2 year old!
Your probably thinking "great dream", right? But no. The entire duration of the dream I spent wondering why this most incredibly handsome and highly desired man chose me. Did I mention that he was the guy that every girl wanted to be attached to? My dream self was uncharacteristically jealous anytime he spoke to or looked at another woman. I was sure this was some type of sick joke and that his feelings for me could not be true.
Got me thinking about how deeply my twisted thinking goes...I couldn't even allow myself to enjoy the fantasy.

Not your typical runner

Hell, I'm not even a runner! But two of my accomplishments that I am most proud of are completing the Walt Disney World Half Marathon in January of 2007 and the First Disney Princess Half Marathon in March 2009. I trained for almost a year to run my first race. I started out running half a lap around a track and built up my mileage from there. I am extremely dedicated and driven during my training. I ran 8 miles in Las Vegas while I was traveling for work, I ran 8 miles in Jamaica when I was on vacation. I ran in the rain, I ran when it was below freezing outside and I ran the race in 90% humidity and 90 degree weather! The second race I ran 8 months after giving birth to my daughter. I started training after my 6 week check-up even though I had not been running since shortly after completing my first race in 2007. I would pump and run and meet my husband and daughter after the race and nurse or pump again. It was a difficult time to be training with the new baby and it being winter, but I was again driven to complete this goal. I didn't set any records, but I proved to myself that hard work and determination can go a long way...about 13.1 miles to be exact!

Me around mile 5 on Main Street in the Magic Kingdom during the Princess Half

I love the fact that I have run 2 half-marathons...one, because it is something that not everyone has done and two because no one would look at me and think I was capable of such a thing.
So now it is almost 2011 and it looks like it is time to take on another race and more importantly the training that goes along with it. Thinking about October at Walt Disney World, that should buy me enough time to get my fat ass in gear!

Do I look like her?

Have you ever been out and seen someone that you perceive to have a similar body type to yours and wonder is that what I look like? I do this all the time and I may be the only person that does this, but I have to believe that there are others out there that are just as curious.
Even though I look in the mirror every day and I am very familiar with my shape and size I still find that I view myself differently from the way the world sees me. I can't understand or explain the difference between my mirror reflection and what I see of myself in photos...one I think is not that bad and the other I feel is hideous most of the time!
So I find myself constantly looking at other woman who I think are my shape and size and comparing myself to them. I have asked my husband a few times "am I bigger than her?" or "are we the same size?" but mainly I keep these questions to myself, because I am afraid of what the answer will be. On the few occasions that I did ask out loud, I got mixed results. For now I will continue to look in the mirror and avoid looking at myself in pictures. I'll try to focus on feeling good and hoping that helps me look good too!

New Look goes Unnoticed!

So I got my hair cut last Saturday, that is 6 days ago now! Do you know how many people have noticed...0, not even my mom or sister! I mean seriously?!
I have had the same hair-do off and on since I was in the sixth grade. Long, all one length, parted on the side, tucked behind the ear. I have cut it short over the years, but eventually I just grow it back out. I've been growing it this time since about July 2008. It had gotten really long and kinda unruly so I went to get my twice yearly trim. I asked for 3 inches off, but then said I wouldn't mind having some long layers as well. He started cutting and 3 turned to 6 I couldn't believe my eyes! I was not sure how I felt about the new do when I left the salon, but 6 days later I am really loving it, but I guess I am the only one.
I think it looks very different from the hum-drum no style look I had just two weeks ago, but yet not 1 person...not friend, family or foe has taken notice. It's left me wonder if it looks as good as I think it does.
What do you think?

Plain Long Hair in Sept 2010

New Shorter Layered Look

The Golden Rule for Fat Girls

This rule should apply to everyone, but it is especially important that it applies to us fat girls. Never, ever, ask someone if they are pregnant! You can congratulate women you know who are pregnant, but under no circumstances is it ever ok to ask a stranger if they are expecting. Unless of course you are asking for medical reasons.

very similar to the one I was wearing

Prior to having my daughter I had a lot of empire waisted tops, sweaters and dresses. I didn't think much about them until I was pregnant and had to start wearing all of empire waisted maternity clothes. Since then I have rarely dared to put one of those pieces back on...knowing that it looks like it could be (I said COULD BE, because it is NOT) maternity clothes. This weekend I put on what used to be one of my pre-baby favorite sweaters...buttons at the top and swings open at the bottom. I was just running errands and felt no need to get dressed up. Off to the bank I went where I had to actually conduct business at the side desks instead of the teller, as I was leaving she asked me "are you expecting?" When I said no, (my face made it clear I was thinking more than "NO") she tried to play it off saying that I looked like one of the customers that she thought was pregnant.
I wanted to shout at her and tell her, "NO, I'M NOT PREGNANT...I'm just fat...does there have to be a reason that I look like this?" I wanted to tell her how incredibly rude she was and how she had ruined my day, but I said "no" laughed it off, got into my car and posted my FML moment on Facebook!
This is not the first time this question has been asked of me, it usually happens about one time a year. It is hurtful to me on so many levels. First because I am just fat, there is no excuse for me being this size. Secondly because I am never strong enough to turn around and tell them to go to hell. And finally because maybe I wish that I was pregnant and you asking me that reminds me that I am not. You don't know me, so why would you be so mean?
To all those who will say "I'm sure she wasn't being mean, she was trying to be friendly"...I suspect you have been here for yourself.

What is the difference between me and the skinny girl?

I just got back from my Endocrinologist appointment this morning (my diabetes Dr.). I go every three months for a visit, we go over my blood work results, she listens to my heart and lungs, she checks my feat and my blood pressure and she always weighs me. It's the last one that I dread the most, and I'm sure it is the same for any fat girl out there. It is always the worst part of the Dr.'s appointment. A lot can happen in the 3 months between my visits...including gaining or losing weight. When I'm down she celebrates my success, but when I'm up I feel I have to justify the gain (or lie about being on my period).
Needless to say I was up a bit this month, it was not unexpected on my end. But after 2 visits showing great weight loss, I'm sure it was a surprise for her. It got me thinking...what is so different between me and the skinny girl (like my Dr.). How is it that she can weigh the same thing year after year and have just minor fluctuations over that time period? The weight fluctuations that skinny girls have over the course of a year or more are what I have over a 3 month period. I just know there is a secret that skinny bitches are keeping to themselves!