cat, cow, cat, cow, cat, HOLY COW

If you think I am calling farm animals or have no clue what I am talking about, you probably have never taken a yoga class. Cat and Cow are poses that you do usually following each other from a position on your hands and knees. Cat on the exhale and you arch your back up and Cow on the inhale and you let your belly sag (and any Yogis out there cringing at my description just need to go Ohm for a minute). It is a really relaxing pose where you can get a good deep stretch, it is one of my favorites because it is one of the few that I have mastered!
I really enjoy yoga and since I have lost some weight this summer I have been wearing more "yoga like" clothes to class, small tank tops over my sports bra, a little bit tighter yoga pant, etc.
So anyway...I was in yoga class the other day and happened to get a spot next to the column, which was mirrored (same space used for aerobics). I resist looking in the mirror at any type of exercise class, I feel good about being there, I don't need to see how silly I look - that would be counterproductive. But I happened to look over my shoulder during this series of poses and was shocked by what I saw. I now clearly know why the pose is named cow...because that is exactly what I looked like in that mirror. I looked like one huge heifer. Here's hoping I looked better doing the downward-facing dog!

Water in, water out

Everything you read about weight loss includes water. You must drink your water and stay hydrated...your body can disguise thirst as hunger and you may overeat when really need just need water...drink water before a meal and you wont eat as much. If there is one thing that all diet programs agree on, it is water.
My Biggest Loser Challenge coach encourages participants to drink half their body weight in ounces a day! I can tell you in total certainty that there is no way I could drink 115oz. of water a day. But I do try to drink my obligatory 8 glasses or about 64oz.
With all the water coming into the body I find that I have to let it out...ALL THE TIME. I made 4 trips to the bathroom last night over a 90 min time frame. I was laying in bed reading and every 20 minutes I was up peeing. As I type this blog, I am holding it (almost painfully) just so that I can finish this post before making yet another trip to the loo.
But as my dear friend Kim spun this for me...it is more steps on the new pedometer!

10,000 steps

In an effort to try and get more activity in (notice I didn't say exercise), I bought a pedometer from Target over the weekend. I really want one of those super cool body bugg things that you see on The Biggest Loser but at $200 I think I will pass for now. So instead I opted for the $12 one that unscientifically counts steps and calculates distance and calories burned. No software and no 90% accuracy included on this one!
Naively I thought that my everyday activity would be worth tracking, come to find out I am way short of 10,000 steps daily. I am not sure how to get 10,000 steps in everyday without having to actually exercise. But in an effort to step it up (pun intended) I headed to the one place the I knew I could cover a lot of square feet, the mall! Even with a two hour shopping trip around the mall I only managed to reach just over 3,000 steps! And if I spent $100 while I was there, was it really worth it?

Melancholy

I'm feeling a bit down today. It could be the rainy, bleak day outside, it could be the country music that I listen too or some combination of the two. I think mostly though, it has to do with my recent reading adventures. I have finally broken down and started to read the Twilight series. After reading Twilight I was as giddy as Bella Swan herself. I was in love with love (I always am, but seemed ever more so now) and especially a love that was all kinds of wrong, but could still exist. It warmed my heart. I think that every girls aches for that love, a love so true and deep.
It took me awhile to find that love in my own life. Being fat my whole life has made me very self conscious and produced a lower self-esteem. I never expected to be good enough or desirable enough for anyone. So I was beyond happy when I met my husband and got my own happy ending.
But on days like these, when the mood changes...I start to get that insecurity back. I start to wonder if I am really what he wants and I start to think about him leaving. Let me be clear...there is nothing logical that would lead me to head down this thought path, except my own twisted brain. I carry the fear that one day he will wake up and realize how disgusting I am and wonder why he wasted so many years of his life. Good thing these days are few and far between!
I know that I am particularly feeling this way because I am now reading New Moon and echoing Bella's pain. I am so sucked into the books. And whenever I come across a character that I can relate to, I can't help but feel her feelings too. We have all felt love and heartbreak, but I'm not sure that everyone has felt this unworthy of being loved feeling that I have.
To overcome it, I will go home and snuggle up to my daughter, cuddle with my husband, finish the book and pray for sunshine tomorrow!

Do you wiggle when you giggle?

Have you ever caught sight of yourself having a really good laugh? Well I have. Every time I laugh, I think of these words:

"He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly." 

Truer words have never been spoken about Santa Clause and I! My belly wiggles and jiggles when I laugh, which usually makes me laugh even harder. I love to have a good laugh and maybe with all the wiggle and jiggle I'm getting a little ab workout in!

I'm not only and overeater I am a binge drinker too!

I like food, well honestly I LOVE food, I am addicted to food. I also like alcohol. I like the taste of wine, mixed drinks and hard cider and as with food, one drink can easily lead to another. I have been around alcoholism most of my life so I am aware of the effects of drinking too much. And since I have already established that I have an addictive personality, I don't drink that often. Even when I do I usually limit it to one or two drinks around a social occasion or a stressful day.

But about once every 3-4 years, I let go and go for it. Last weekend I over indulged and enjoyed a little too many spirits when I was at the beach with friends. It took me about 36 hours to recover and my friends are still reminding me of the funny things I said and did. Luckily it was nothing too embarrassing, unlike my last episode 4 years ago when I traveled to Wisp with all of my co-workers. I still wake up cringing about personal things I told after 2 bottles of wine!
Drinking I can control. There are times that I look at the wine or beer in the fridge and I know how good it would taste, but I don't drink it. Why is it that I can't leave the chocolate in the freezer the same way? It is social unacceptable to be fat, but this addiction I can not control.

If I knew then what I know now...

I would have bitch slapped myself!
Back in high school I was always ashamed of my size. I was larger than most of the girls at my high school, and never really felt pretty. It was made worse by the fact that I went to a private school with a Air Force JROTC program so we all wore Air Force uniforms...kinda levels the playing field. I was always self-conscious about my size and comparing myself to the other girls around me. This is the curse of being a girl, I can't imagine one girl who hasn't felt the same way regardless of size or weight.
I was kinda popular in high school and anyone who comments differently must be suffering from memory loss. I had boyfriends, I was a cheerleader (the token heavy one), I played tennis and participated in various clubs. I just had low self esteem.
I look back on pictures of me then and think about how gorgeous I was and how I would love to look like that again. I think if I were really as ugly as I thought I was I wouldn't have had the boyfriends or the popularity, but I was too silly to realize that back then. I want to go back to that time and place and tell that self-conscious girl "you are strong, you are independent and you are more beautiful than you will ever know...oh and stay away from junk food and drive thrus"!

Does the truth set you free?

A lot of people have been complimentary about the honesty I am showing here in my blog. The truth is it took me awhile to get up the nerve to make my weight public. Sometimes I wince and think "do I really want that person to know what a fat ass I am?" But people aren't blind, this is not the movie Shallow Hal, they know that I am fat even if they are too kind to say it.
So what do I have to lose by saying it out loud (so to speak). I have removed the elephant from the room and allowed myself to stop treating my weight as a "sensitive subject" and I am a little bit freer because of it. Not holding onto that number has given that number less power and by not keeping my weight a secret I have freed myself from it's hold over me.
I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts about this subject into words, but what I know is that if you are reading this you probably can relate. The truth did set me free, at least on this subject ;)

I'm over you!

Have you ever found yourself in a bad relationship and unable to get yourself out of it? That is where I am right now. I have a friend that I have known most of my life, but have really gotten closer to within the last 10 years. I've always liked this friend and they have been there every time I needed them, without fail. It's just that what I get out of the friendship doesn't fulfill me. She does a great job of cheering me up when we visit, but when I am not around her I start to question if what we have is good. Plus it is very one-sided...I am always doing the visiting or making the calls. In fact I have come to realize that she doesn't care about me, or even think about me between visits. But to be honest, I haven't been that great of a friend back. I visit when the time is right for me and usually I am in such a rush. I think it might be time for me to throw in the towel on this friendship. It will be hard on me, maybe one of the most difficult things I will do. But here I go...

Dear Drive-thru,
I appreciate you being there for me, but I need a break. I need to figure my problems out on my own without always turning to you to solve them for me. I need to learn to plan better and not always rely on your ability to save the day. I'm sure this is not good-bye forever, but for now...I'm over you!
Love always,
Kristen

Are you going to eat that?

Yesterday was one of those days where I found myself out of control. I wanted to eat everything around me. Have you ever had those days? You keep going to the kitchen and opening the refrigerator or the cabinet and looking for something to stuff your face with, but you are not sure what you are looking for so you just keep putting everything in until something satisfies you. Well if you have never had one of those day you are pretty lucky, and I bet you are thin too!
Nothing satisfied me yesterday, but I was hungry for everything. This quest involved at least 1 (probably 2) Elmo cupcakes, crackers, cookies, chicken potstickers, 1 periogie (stolen from my daughter), and then finally to the DQ for a blizzard! I didn't even track all the food and calories, if I had I might not have had time to eat as much as I did!
By the end of the day I was feeling a bit more in control and gave away the left over cupcakes to the 5 year old next door who was having his birthday party. That was probably the only good food choice I made yesterday.

Amazing Elmo cupcakes made by Zoe VanHoose