Melancholy

I'm feeling a bit down today. It could be the rainy, bleak day outside, it could be the country music that I listen too or some combination of the two. I think mostly though, it has to do with my recent reading adventures. I have finally broken down and started to read the Twilight series. After reading Twilight I was as giddy as Bella Swan herself. I was in love with love (I always am, but seemed ever more so now) and especially a love that was all kinds of wrong, but could still exist. It warmed my heart. I think that every girls aches for that love, a love so true and deep.
It took me awhile to find that love in my own life. Being fat my whole life has made me very self conscious and produced a lower self-esteem. I never expected to be good enough or desirable enough for anyone. So I was beyond happy when I met my husband and got my own happy ending.
But on days like these, when the mood changes...I start to get that insecurity back. I start to wonder if I am really what he wants and I start to think about him leaving. Let me be clear...there is nothing logical that would lead me to head down this thought path, except my own twisted brain. I carry the fear that one day he will wake up and realize how disgusting I am and wonder why he wasted so many years of his life. Good thing these days are few and far between!
I know that I am particularly feeling this way because I am now reading New Moon and echoing Bella's pain. I am so sucked into the books. And whenever I come across a character that I can relate to, I can't help but feel her feelings too. We have all felt love and heartbreak, but I'm not sure that everyone has felt this unworthy of being loved feeling that I have.
To overcome it, I will go home and snuggle up to my daughter, cuddle with my husband, finish the book and pray for sunshine tomorrow!