Not your typical runner

Hell, I'm not even a runner! But two of my accomplishments that I am most proud of are completing the Walt Disney World Half Marathon in January of 2007 and the First Disney Princess Half Marathon in March 2009. I trained for almost a year to run my first race. I started out running half a lap around a track and built up my mileage from there. I am extremely dedicated and driven during my training. I ran 8 miles in Las Vegas while I was traveling for work, I ran 8 miles in Jamaica when I was on vacation. I ran in the rain, I ran when it was below freezing outside and I ran the race in 90% humidity and 90 degree weather! The second race I ran 8 months after giving birth to my daughter. I started training after my 6 week check-up even though I had not been running since shortly after completing my first race in 2007. I would pump and run and meet my husband and daughter after the race and nurse or pump again. It was a difficult time to be training with the new baby and it being winter, but I was again driven to complete this goal. I didn't set any records, but I proved to myself that hard work and determination can go a long way...about 13.1 miles to be exact!

Me around mile 5 on Main Street in the Magic Kingdom during the Princess Half

I love the fact that I have run 2 half-marathons...one, because it is something that not everyone has done and two because no one would look at me and think I was capable of such a thing.
So now it is almost 2011 and it looks like it is time to take on another race and more importantly the training that goes along with it. Thinking about October at Walt Disney World, that should buy me enough time to get my fat ass in gear!

Do I look like her?

Have you ever been out and seen someone that you perceive to have a similar body type to yours and wonder is that what I look like? I do this all the time and I may be the only person that does this, but I have to believe that there are others out there that are just as curious.
Even though I look in the mirror every day and I am very familiar with my shape and size I still find that I view myself differently from the way the world sees me. I can't understand or explain the difference between my mirror reflection and what I see of myself in photos...one I think is not that bad and the other I feel is hideous most of the time!
So I find myself constantly looking at other woman who I think are my shape and size and comparing myself to them. I have asked my husband a few times "am I bigger than her?" or "are we the same size?" but mainly I keep these questions to myself, because I am afraid of what the answer will be. On the few occasions that I did ask out loud, I got mixed results. For now I will continue to look in the mirror and avoid looking at myself in pictures. I'll try to focus on feeling good and hoping that helps me look good too!

New Look goes Unnoticed!

So I got my hair cut last Saturday, that is 6 days ago now! Do you know how many people have noticed...0, not even my mom or sister! I mean seriously?!
I have had the same hair-do off and on since I was in the sixth grade. Long, all one length, parted on the side, tucked behind the ear. I have cut it short over the years, but eventually I just grow it back out. I've been growing it this time since about July 2008. It had gotten really long and kinda unruly so I went to get my twice yearly trim. I asked for 3 inches off, but then said I wouldn't mind having some long layers as well. He started cutting and 3 turned to 6 I couldn't believe my eyes! I was not sure how I felt about the new do when I left the salon, but 6 days later I am really loving it, but I guess I am the only one.
I think it looks very different from the hum-drum no style look I had just two weeks ago, but yet not 1 person...not friend, family or foe has taken notice. It's left me wonder if it looks as good as I think it does.
What do you think?

Plain Long Hair in Sept 2010

New Shorter Layered Look

The Golden Rule for Fat Girls

This rule should apply to everyone, but it is especially important that it applies to us fat girls. Never, ever, ask someone if they are pregnant! You can congratulate women you know who are pregnant, but under no circumstances is it ever ok to ask a stranger if they are expecting. Unless of course you are asking for medical reasons.

very similar to the one I was wearing

Prior to having my daughter I had a lot of empire waisted tops, sweaters and dresses. I didn't think much about them until I was pregnant and had to start wearing all of empire waisted maternity clothes. Since then I have rarely dared to put one of those pieces back on...knowing that it looks like it could be (I said COULD BE, because it is NOT) maternity clothes. This weekend I put on what used to be one of my pre-baby favorite sweaters...buttons at the top and swings open at the bottom. I was just running errands and felt no need to get dressed up. Off to the bank I went where I had to actually conduct business at the side desks instead of the teller, as I was leaving she asked me "are you expecting?" When I said no, (my face made it clear I was thinking more than "NO") she tried to play it off saying that I looked like one of the customers that she thought was pregnant.
I wanted to shout at her and tell her, "NO, I'M NOT PREGNANT...I'm just fat...does there have to be a reason that I look like this?" I wanted to tell her how incredibly rude she was and how she had ruined my day, but I said "no" laughed it off, got into my car and posted my FML moment on Facebook!
This is not the first time this question has been asked of me, it usually happens about one time a year. It is hurtful to me on so many levels. First because I am just fat, there is no excuse for me being this size. Secondly because I am never strong enough to turn around and tell them to go to hell. And finally because maybe I wish that I was pregnant and you asking me that reminds me that I am not. You don't know me, so why would you be so mean?
To all those who will say "I'm sure she wasn't being mean, she was trying to be friendly"...I suspect you have been here for yourself.

What is the difference between me and the skinny girl?

I just got back from my Endocrinologist appointment this morning (my diabetes Dr.). I go every three months for a visit, we go over my blood work results, she listens to my heart and lungs, she checks my feat and my blood pressure and she always weighs me. It's the last one that I dread the most, and I'm sure it is the same for any fat girl out there. It is always the worst part of the Dr.'s appointment. A lot can happen in the 3 months between my visits...including gaining or losing weight. When I'm down she celebrates my success, but when I'm up I feel I have to justify the gain (or lie about being on my period).
Needless to say I was up a bit this month, it was not unexpected on my end. But after 2 visits showing great weight loss, I'm sure it was a surprise for her. It got me thinking...what is so different between me and the skinny girl (like my Dr.). How is it that she can weigh the same thing year after year and have just minor fluctuations over that time period? The weight fluctuations that skinny girls have over the course of a year or more are what I have over a 3 month period. I just know there is a secret that skinny bitches are keeping to themselves!

Why is it called "fun size"?

I'm a big fan of imposed portion control. I obviously don't have the will power to stop eating so I like when things come in nice little single serve amounts. I LOVE 100 calorie packs. Look in my cabinet today and you will probably find at least 7 different items packaged in perfect 100 calorie portions. If I sit down with a bag of chips, I usually eat the whole (or at least half) of the bag. So it works for me to have these snacks so easy to grab and I know that I won't binge.
I tried to apply that logic to all foods thinking that "Fun Size" candy bars are sort of the equivalent of the 100 calorie snack pack, but I learned yesterday that the same principle does not translate to candy! I love chocolate and especially candy bars. Occasionally I will succumb to the display at the checkout line and buy one on my way out of the grocery store. I eat my 1 candy bar, it is good, I enjoy it, it is done. I never buy 3-4 candy bars and binge on them, just 1 and I am satiated with that. So why is it that yesterday I found myself eating 1 after another "fun size" kit-kat bar out of my daughters Halloween candy bucket? I stopped after I consumed 6 minis bars and realized I had just eating 3 full size candy bars! Wow, I'm just glad I stopped when I did.

A picture is worth a thousand blogs!

I have not been blogging much since we have been home from vacation. The fall brought with it a new work schedule and a daughter who is now in school 5 days a week so life got a little crazy for me for awhile, but I am back at it and only a little worse for the time spent away. 
Started my third round of Biggest Loser Challenge with Studio 310 3 weeks ago. I am captaining a team again this time around. But my advice seems to be best given and not taken. I have had a hard time living up to the expectations I have set for my team. Looking for something to motivate me I found this: 
 
In August at the start of this session I took a "before" picture to compare with an "after" in November. Just for grins (and it gave me lots of grins) I compared it with my previous "before" picture when I started my first BLC in March/April. The difference is a little less than 30 pounds, but more important than the weight loss (which is barely visible) is the confidence...it screams through in this photo. I am starting to feel better about myself some days...I'm getting there! 

Starbucks did me in...

It is 9am, and I have already consumed 797 calories today thanks to Starbucks!
While counting my calories and journaling my food one day last week I found myself on the Starbucks website looking up information on the Pumpkin Spice Latte. I love that drink, glad that it comes around only once a year! In fact, the only time I usually go to Starbucks is between October and January for Pumpkin Spice and Gingerbread lattes! Well while on the site I saw another beverage that sounded particularly tasty...Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate!
Today on my way into work I stopped to get the PSL, I knew the calorie count...so I planned tall, nonfat. But when I got into the store...there it was up on the board...the drink that I wanted to try. I ended up getting the Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, I managed to keep it a tall (good thing, it is very rich) but they didn't ask and just put the whip on top!
So after the drink is finished I go to look up the calories...well the tall, nonfat, no whip SCHC was 400! Who the hell knows how many was in the one that I just drank! It was good, but I don't think that it was worth the calories of 1 meal and a small snack.

cat, cow, cat, cow, cat, HOLY COW

If you think I am calling farm animals or have no clue what I am talking about, you probably have never taken a yoga class. Cat and Cow are poses that you do usually following each other from a position on your hands and knees. Cat on the exhale and you arch your back up and Cow on the inhale and you let your belly sag (and any Yogis out there cringing at my description just need to go Ohm for a minute). It is a really relaxing pose where you can get a good deep stretch, it is one of my favorites because it is one of the few that I have mastered!
I really enjoy yoga and since I have lost some weight this summer I have been wearing more "yoga like" clothes to class, small tank tops over my sports bra, a little bit tighter yoga pant, etc.
So anyway...I was in yoga class the other day and happened to get a spot next to the column, which was mirrored (same space used for aerobics). I resist looking in the mirror at any type of exercise class, I feel good about being there, I don't need to see how silly I look - that would be counterproductive. But I happened to look over my shoulder during this series of poses and was shocked by what I saw. I now clearly know why the pose is named cow...because that is exactly what I looked like in that mirror. I looked like one huge heifer. Here's hoping I looked better doing the downward-facing dog!

Water in, water out

Everything you read about weight loss includes water. You must drink your water and stay hydrated...your body can disguise thirst as hunger and you may overeat when really need just need water...drink water before a meal and you wont eat as much. If there is one thing that all diet programs agree on, it is water.
My Biggest Loser Challenge coach encourages participants to drink half their body weight in ounces a day! I can tell you in total certainty that there is no way I could drink 115oz. of water a day. But I do try to drink my obligatory 8 glasses or about 64oz.
With all the water coming into the body I find that I have to let it out...ALL THE TIME. I made 4 trips to the bathroom last night over a 90 min time frame. I was laying in bed reading and every 20 minutes I was up peeing. As I type this blog, I am holding it (almost painfully) just so that I can finish this post before making yet another trip to the loo.
But as my dear friend Kim spun this for me...it is more steps on the new pedometer!

10,000 steps

In an effort to try and get more activity in (notice I didn't say exercise), I bought a pedometer from Target over the weekend. I really want one of those super cool body bugg things that you see on The Biggest Loser but at $200 I think I will pass for now. So instead I opted for the $12 one that unscientifically counts steps and calculates distance and calories burned. No software and no 90% accuracy included on this one!
Naively I thought that my everyday activity would be worth tracking, come to find out I am way short of 10,000 steps daily. I am not sure how to get 10,000 steps in everyday without having to actually exercise. But in an effort to step it up (pun intended) I headed to the one place the I knew I could cover a lot of square feet, the mall! Even with a two hour shopping trip around the mall I only managed to reach just over 3,000 steps! And if I spent $100 while I was there, was it really worth it?

Melancholy

I'm feeling a bit down today. It could be the rainy, bleak day outside, it could be the country music that I listen too or some combination of the two. I think mostly though, it has to do with my recent reading adventures. I have finally broken down and started to read the Twilight series. After reading Twilight I was as giddy as Bella Swan herself. I was in love with love (I always am, but seemed ever more so now) and especially a love that was all kinds of wrong, but could still exist. It warmed my heart. I think that every girls aches for that love, a love so true and deep.
It took me awhile to find that love in my own life. Being fat my whole life has made me very self conscious and produced a lower self-esteem. I never expected to be good enough or desirable enough for anyone. So I was beyond happy when I met my husband and got my own happy ending.
But on days like these, when the mood changes...I start to get that insecurity back. I start to wonder if I am really what he wants and I start to think about him leaving. Let me be clear...there is nothing logical that would lead me to head down this thought path, except my own twisted brain. I carry the fear that one day he will wake up and realize how disgusting I am and wonder why he wasted so many years of his life. Good thing these days are few and far between!
I know that I am particularly feeling this way because I am now reading New Moon and echoing Bella's pain. I am so sucked into the books. And whenever I come across a character that I can relate to, I can't help but feel her feelings too. We have all felt love and heartbreak, but I'm not sure that everyone has felt this unworthy of being loved feeling that I have.
To overcome it, I will go home and snuggle up to my daughter, cuddle with my husband, finish the book and pray for sunshine tomorrow!

Do you wiggle when you giggle?

Have you ever caught sight of yourself having a really good laugh? Well I have. Every time I laugh, I think of these words:

"He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly." 

Truer words have never been spoken about Santa Clause and I! My belly wiggles and jiggles when I laugh, which usually makes me laugh even harder. I love to have a good laugh and maybe with all the wiggle and jiggle I'm getting a little ab workout in!

I'm not only and overeater I am a binge drinker too!

I like food, well honestly I LOVE food, I am addicted to food. I also like alcohol. I like the taste of wine, mixed drinks and hard cider and as with food, one drink can easily lead to another. I have been around alcoholism most of my life so I am aware of the effects of drinking too much. And since I have already established that I have an addictive personality, I don't drink that often. Even when I do I usually limit it to one or two drinks around a social occasion or a stressful day.

But about once every 3-4 years, I let go and go for it. Last weekend I over indulged and enjoyed a little too many spirits when I was at the beach with friends. It took me about 36 hours to recover and my friends are still reminding me of the funny things I said and did. Luckily it was nothing too embarrassing, unlike my last episode 4 years ago when I traveled to Wisp with all of my co-workers. I still wake up cringing about personal things I told after 2 bottles of wine!
Drinking I can control. There are times that I look at the wine or beer in the fridge and I know how good it would taste, but I don't drink it. Why is it that I can't leave the chocolate in the freezer the same way? It is social unacceptable to be fat, but this addiction I can not control.

If I knew then what I know now...

I would have bitch slapped myself!
Back in high school I was always ashamed of my size. I was larger than most of the girls at my high school, and never really felt pretty. It was made worse by the fact that I went to a private school with a Air Force JROTC program so we all wore Air Force uniforms...kinda levels the playing field. I was always self-conscious about my size and comparing myself to the other girls around me. This is the curse of being a girl, I can't imagine one girl who hasn't felt the same way regardless of size or weight.
I was kinda popular in high school and anyone who comments differently must be suffering from memory loss. I had boyfriends, I was a cheerleader (the token heavy one), I played tennis and participated in various clubs. I just had low self esteem.
I look back on pictures of me then and think about how gorgeous I was and how I would love to look like that again. I think if I were really as ugly as I thought I was I wouldn't have had the boyfriends or the popularity, but I was too silly to realize that back then. I want to go back to that time and place and tell that self-conscious girl "you are strong, you are independent and you are more beautiful than you will ever know...oh and stay away from junk food and drive thrus"!

Does the truth set you free?

A lot of people have been complimentary about the honesty I am showing here in my blog. The truth is it took me awhile to get up the nerve to make my weight public. Sometimes I wince and think "do I really want that person to know what a fat ass I am?" But people aren't blind, this is not the movie Shallow Hal, they know that I am fat even if they are too kind to say it.
So what do I have to lose by saying it out loud (so to speak). I have removed the elephant from the room and allowed myself to stop treating my weight as a "sensitive subject" and I am a little bit freer because of it. Not holding onto that number has given that number less power and by not keeping my weight a secret I have freed myself from it's hold over me.
I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts about this subject into words, but what I know is that if you are reading this you probably can relate. The truth did set me free, at least on this subject ;)

I'm over you!

Have you ever found yourself in a bad relationship and unable to get yourself out of it? That is where I am right now. I have a friend that I have known most of my life, but have really gotten closer to within the last 10 years. I've always liked this friend and they have been there every time I needed them, without fail. It's just that what I get out of the friendship doesn't fulfill me. She does a great job of cheering me up when we visit, but when I am not around her I start to question if what we have is good. Plus it is very one-sided...I am always doing the visiting or making the calls. In fact I have come to realize that she doesn't care about me, or even think about me between visits. But to be honest, I haven't been that great of a friend back. I visit when the time is right for me and usually I am in such a rush. I think it might be time for me to throw in the towel on this friendship. It will be hard on me, maybe one of the most difficult things I will do. But here I go...

Dear Drive-thru,
I appreciate you being there for me, but I need a break. I need to figure my problems out on my own without always turning to you to solve them for me. I need to learn to plan better and not always rely on your ability to save the day. I'm sure this is not good-bye forever, but for now...I'm over you!
Love always,
Kristen

Are you going to eat that?

Yesterday was one of those days where I found myself out of control. I wanted to eat everything around me. Have you ever had those days? You keep going to the kitchen and opening the refrigerator or the cabinet and looking for something to stuff your face with, but you are not sure what you are looking for so you just keep putting everything in until something satisfies you. Well if you have never had one of those day you are pretty lucky, and I bet you are thin too!
Nothing satisfied me yesterday, but I was hungry for everything. This quest involved at least 1 (probably 2) Elmo cupcakes, crackers, cookies, chicken potstickers, 1 periogie (stolen from my daughter), and then finally to the DQ for a blizzard! I didn't even track all the food and calories, if I had I might not have had time to eat as much as I did!
By the end of the day I was feeling a bit more in control and gave away the left over cupcakes to the 5 year old next door who was having his birthday party. That was probably the only good food choice I made yesterday.

Amazing Elmo cupcakes made by Zoe VanHoose

I'm Large

This morning I found a link on a website to calculate your body size, it was not surprising that my body type came back "large". Shocker!
There was a more useful link on this page though...a weight lose calculator. You can use it by putting in desired pounds or desired weight in combination with the date that you would like to reach this goal and it tells you the daily and weekly weight loss needed to reach your goal. SWEET!
Since I am not in a rush to lose weight and I am more focused on getting healthy and developing better eating habits I said my goal date was December 31, 2010. As for my pound goal, I mostly just wanted to get under 200 so I set a goal of 190. Here is what I got:

To lose 40 pounds and reach your target weight of 190 pounds by Friday December 31, 2010, you would need to lose:

Number of pounds to lose daily : 0.25 pounds Number of pounds to lose per week : 1.78 pounds

I'm not sure that I can reach that goal, but it doesn't seem to unrealistic to me either.

The not so funny side of being fat

Health risks!
I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes around October 2008. I had gestational diabetes during my pregnancy and my numbers never went down after delivery. The truth is I was probably pre-diabetic before the pregnancy as my weight was soaring out of control at that time. I had a blessed pregnancy, and worked hard every single day on getting healthy. I lost almost 50 pounds while I was pregnant and kept the gestational diabetes in check. I knew that there was an increased risk in developing Type 2 after delivery (and it was even higher for me, because I was diagnosed early on in the pregnancy) so I was not surprised when I was referred to an Endocrinologist at my six week check-up. I was disappointed...I had come so far, lost a lot of weight, was eating healthy but not so lucky.
I spent the first year of my diagnosis trying to ignore it and hope it would go away on its own. Not that I think there is a precedent for that happening. I started eating crap again, gaining weight and became sedentary. Then I snapped out of it...I stopped feeling sorry for myself and let go of the embarrassment and shame that I felt from the diagnosis. I went to a diabetes counselor and started meeting with a diabetic nutritionist as well. As a result I am eating better, losing weight and more active.
I went to the Dr. this morning and was a plump 228, down from 243 at my May appointment (which was down 8 lbs since my February appt). My A1C (diabetic blood test) was 5.8 no change since May, but definitely down since February. The ADA defines diabetes as an A1C of >6.4 and the pre-diabetic category as 5.7 - 6.4.
My goal is to one day be off the medication and I think I might be getting close. But until then I will prick my weary fingers every day, every three months I will continue to get stuck in the arm for lab work and see the Endocrinologist. I will take my medicine daily which causes me to have umm, lets just say intestinal issues. And I must not forget to have my eyes and feet checked annually. None of this is fun, in fact it all kind of sucks!

Reckless Abandon

That is how I describe my eating style for the past two weeks. I see it, I want it, I eat it. I try to start my day off good, measuring and weighing my portions...but as the day goes on I find myself reaching for a snack and not calculating or recording it. And once I let a few foods go untracked, it snowballs out of control.
I have had several weekends where this happens but I am usually able to get right back into the routine on Monday and even pull off some weight loss too. But not recently, I just don't know where my motivation went. I'd like to say I need to go to the beach to find it, but more than likely I'll find it at the gym!

A LOT has changed!

So A LOT has changed since the first and last posts I made. My weight continued to increase until I reached about 255. I was so disappointed in myself. After shedding over 50 pounds during my pregnancy I really wanted to be able to keep the weight off. In addition to just wanting to be "thin" I really don't want to have Type 2 Diabetes and take medication for the rest of my life. But here I was gaining all the weight back.
Somewhere after Thanksgiving and before the New Year I decided enough was enough and I didn't want to get back to my highest weight, a shocking 273. So I went to see a diabetes nutritionist and started eating the right foods. Then around March I added the much needed exercise into the routine.
I am happy to report that as of today I am a plump 228! Well, I might be 229 as I did eat McDonald's for lunch!